The Tough Conversation

How to Tackle Tough Conversations

We've all been there - needing to address something important with a colleague (or friend/relative) but feeling that knot in our stomach that makes us want to run for the hills. What if I told you that understanding a bit of psychology could transform these dreaded exchanges into opportunities for genuine connection..?

Why Does This Feel So Hard?

Before diving into that difficult conversation, pause and ask yourself: Why exactly does this feel hard? What am I afraid will happen?

The answer is revealing. Are you afraid they won't like you? Worried they can't handle feedback? Convinced it's hopeless?

All of these minimise some aspect of reality. If you have a good relationship, that will endure despite this chat. Delivered with respect, they can handle it. And there most likely is hope and a solution.

So crucially the first step to consider is: What position am I taking going into this talk?

What do I mean by this? Well, there are fundamentally four positions we can take toward ourself and others:

• I'm OK, You're OK (equal, mutual respect)

• I'm OK, You're Not OK (one-up, superior)

• I'm Not OK, You're OK (one-down, inferior)

• I'm Not OK, You're Not OK (all-down, hopeless)

Often, hard conversations feel impossible because we've unconsciously slipped out of the OK-OK and it will all be ok place. Instead, we're approaching it from the inferior "I'm Not OK, You're OK" position (fearing we'll be judged) or superior "I'm OK, You're Not OK" (preparing to attack and potentially hurt someone). Neither position creates the tone needed for honest productive dialogue.

The person you need to talk to has their own position too. When we approach someone from a one-up place "I'm OK, You're Not" ("You really messed this up"), we often invite them into one-down inferiority (and vice versa), creating defensiveness rather than dialogue.

Reframe: From Hard to Helpful

Here's the shift: difficult conversations aren't obstacles - they're investments in healthier relationships. When you avoid addressing an issue, you're often denying the other person what we call "Strokes" - the vital recognition they need to grow.

A "Stroke" is a unit of social recognition. Positive strokes build connection, while negative ones communicate "I see you" and give constructive feedback to learn from.

But the absence of Strokes? That's demotivating and creates confusion and resentment.

By having the conversation and approaching ot from an "I'm OK, You're OK" position, you're actually offering the other person (and yourself) a gift: honest feedback that says "we're both worthy of respect and capable of working through this."

The STROKES Framework

Here's a practical acronym to guide you through. Remember the reframing: you're not dressing down or telling off; you're giving someone valuable Strokes:

S - Set your position: I'm OK, You're OK
Before the conversation, ground yourself in mutual respect. Remind yourself: "I have worth and so do they. There may be a misunderstanding or mismatch somewhere, but we can both handle this." This position is the foundation for everything that follows.

T - Trade specific observations
Avoid vague complaints that imply "You're Not OK." Instead of "You're always negative," try "In yesterday's meeting, when my idea was dismissed quickly, I felt shut down." Specificity maintains the OK-OK position.

R - Recognise their inherent worth
Even when addressing problems, communicate that you see their value. "I respect your expertise, which is why I want us to find a way to collaborate better" affirms their OK-ness while addressing the issue.

O - Own your part
Acknowledge where you may have contributed to the situation. "I realise I didn't explain my thinking clearly" or "I should have raised this sooner." This demonstrates you're genuinely in I'm OK, You're OK - neither superior nor inferior, just two imperfect people working it out. Owning your contribution, even if small, prevents the conversation from feeling like a one-sided lecture. Then asking "How can we handle this differently?" invites mutual problem-solving. (Note the "we" not "you").

K - Kill the power struggle
If the conversation gets heated and positions shift to a not-OK tone - pause and reset. Notice when you're slipping into "I'm OK, You're Not OK" (blaming) or they're dropping into "I'm Not OK, You're OK" (defensive). Name it: "I think we're both getting a bit defensive here - can we reset?" This stops the adversarial dynamic and reminds both parties you're partners in problem-solving, not adversaries.

E - Expect their capability
Trust that they can hear you and respond constructively. When you believe in their OK-ness, you subtly communicate it - and often invite them to rise to that stance.

S - Sandwich the hard stuff (yes, the "shit sandwich")
Start with genuine appreciation > address the difficult issue clearly > then end with affirmation. "I value your input in meetings [positive stroke]. When my idea was dismissed quickly yesterday, I felt shut down and would like us to hear each other out more fully [issue]. When we collaborate I think it makes both our ideas stronger [positive stroke]." People are more open to hearing difficult truths when they feel fundamentally valued, not fundamentally flawed.

The Real Secret

The most productive conversations happen when both people hold the "I'm OK, You're OK" position - mutual respect, mutual capability. You can't control which position the other person takes, but you can model OK-OK consistently. Stay curious rather than superior. Acknowledge rather than diminish. Offer strokes, not just criticism.

Remember: the goal isn't to win the conversation but to gain clarity and strengthen the relationship. When you approach difficult discussions as two worthy people working together rather than one person complaining or fixing another, they stop feeling quite so hard. They become what they really are - necessary maintenance.

That knot in your stomach? It's not a stop sign. It's your inner wisdom telling you something needs attention. Trust in your OK-ness - and theirs - to handle it.

***

Primary Sources and References

Foundational works by Eric Berne:

1. Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press, New York.

2. Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press, New York.

3. Berne, E. (1972). What Do You Say After You Say Hello? Grove Press, New York.

The OK Corral Model:

1. Ernst, F. H. Jr. (1971). "Transactional Analysis in the OK Corral: Grid for What's Happening." Available at: http://ernstokcorral.com/Publications/OK%20CORRAL%20monograph.pdf

   • Franklin Ernst developed the "OK Corral" matrix based on Berne's life positions theory

Other Key TA Works:

1. Harris, T. A. (1967). I'm OK – You're OK. HarperCollins Publishers, New York.

2. Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (1987). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Lifespace Publishing, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

Strokes Theory:

1. Steiner, C. (Various works on strokes and the "Stroke Economy") - Claude Steiner was a student of Berne who expanded on stroke theory

2. Spitz, R. (1945). Research on infant development and the effects of deprivation of physical contact (foundational research that influenced Berne's stroke theory)

Contemporary Resources:

1. International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) - https://itaaworld.com - The official organization founded by Berne in 1964

2. BusinessBalls.com - Comprehensive overview of Transactional Analysis including the OK Corral model: https://www.businessballs.com/emotional-intelligence/transactional-analysis-eric-berne/

Supporting Articles:

1. Ertem, G., & Eker, F. (2016). Study on psychiatric nurses' use of TA concepts showing improved patient communication

2. Porter, N. (now Porter-Steele). (1975). Article on "Modes" in Transactional Analysis Journal

Note on Terminology:

The article correctly uses "I'm OK, You're OK" as the healthy life position from the OK Corral model, which was developed by Franklin Ernst based on Eric Berne's foundational work on ego states and Thomas Harris's popularisation of the OK concept.