Aligning our self

Throughout history - across philosophy, culture, and religion - thinkers have recognised that humans have a multiple nature. We're not just one thing. We have different sides, different "parts" to who we are.

We see this in partnership. When we feel torn between home life and professional obligations. When we form a vision but have to account for commercial realities. When we react to an associate's mistake with disproportionate anger. When the version of ourselves in the partnership meeting differs markedly from who we are at 11pm reviewing documents alone.

We talk often about taking charge: of matters, of teams, of practice development. We talk about business development opportunities "aligning." Yet we are the variable that needs aligning. The question is: which parts?

The Three States

Human personality can be thought of as falling into three categories: Parent, Adult, and Child.

This well-established model of the human psyche (Berne, 1961) acknowledges our multiple parts and explains where they came from, how they were formed, and how they manifest in our professional lives today. By identifying which one is active in any given moment, we gain agency over our responses - and ultimately, our effectiveness.

The Parent

This part of us comprises the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours we absorbed from our parents, teachers, and early authority figures - including, potentially, the senior partners who trained us.

When we're in our Parent mindset we think, feel and behave as those figures did.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. They must. For they have no other models.”

It's as if someone presses "play" on a recording. We repeat what we saw and heard without examination. "That's not how we do things here." "Partnership is earned, not given." "If you want something done right..." and the classic "Boys don't cry." These mantras - along with the unspoken modelling (the partner, or parent, who never admitted uncertainty, never showed emotion) - become embedded operating code.

The Adult

The Adult state consciously responds to the here-and-now reality. It's the only state not based in the past. When we're in Adult mode we are aware of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and why they are happening.

When a client asks about jurisdiction for a complex matter, you assess it from your Adult state. When you adapt your communication style to what a particular client needs rather than defaulting to your standard approach, that's Adult. When you feel frustration at an associate's error but choose your response consciously - that's Adult.

The Child

In our Child state we repeat our thoughts, feelings and behaviours of our childhood.

From the exhilaration of early accomplishments at school to the primal fear of failure and rejection, our formative experiences imprinted strongly. The anxiety about never being good enough. The desperate need to prove yourself. The associate who was humiliated in front of partners. We were once powerless in hierarchies we didn't control, at home and later at work, and those patterns persist.

In partnership, this manifests in surprising ways: the outsized reaction to a newly qualified associate's mistake (replaying our own shame), the inability to delegate (our childhood perfectionism), the paralysis around business development (fear of rejection), or the compulsive overwork (seeking approval that never quite comes).

The Alignment

Two of these three states are rooted in the past. This can serve us well - our Parent state holds hard-won wisdom, our Child state retains creativity and enthusiasm. But unexamined, they sabotage us.

The partner who berates associates as they were once berated. The one who can't make room for diverse approaches because "this is how it's done." The one whose fear of failure drives them - and everyone around them - to exhaustion.

Understanding our multi-dimensional nature changes the game. Through reflection and focused 1:1 sessions, we learn to recognise when we're operating from Child or Parent patterns. We can then choose to engage from Adult: allowing our experience and energy , but filtering it through present-moment awareness and conscious choice.

This is the real leadership work. Not managing others - but managing ourselves. Continually aligning our internal parts so we can respond to what's actually in front of us rather than what haunts us from behind.

Do that, and perhaps everything else aligns too.

Sources:

Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy: A Systematic Individual and Social Psychiatry. New York: Grove Press.