The Circle Line

What makes me me?

Each one of us is unique. We know that. But what is “the self” and how is it formed? And how “fixed” are we?

You. Your character. Your personality. Nature or nurture? Fixed or fluid?

It’s a complex question. But a good one. Studies are increasingly showing that our brain and our personality is generally fluid and shaped by nurture and experience.

Research suggests we may be born with different energy levels, and perhaps a fundamental temperament that is biological or genetically-related — mothers report differences in the womb.

Yet so much of how we react to the world is influenced by our environment. We start experiencing and reacting to our environment as soon as we are born. You only have to watch toddlers with their parents to see they have absorbed their ways of behaving already. And epigenetics shows that even our genetics are changed by our environment.

“Experience shapes the brain”

— Dr Van Der Kolk

So social environment matters. But either way, at some point in your life you may have taken a minute to look at yourself and think “Yes, I do tend to be introverted/extroverted/uptight/laidback/optimistic/pessimistic” (delete as appropriate…).

Personality Tests

Over the years several “tests” have been developed to help give us some insight into our personalities. The famous Myers Briggs personality test is one of them. This link gives a simplified version of the test. Although we should be wary of labelling ourselves too rigidly, as we are in fact all different and doing so suggests that we are “fixed”, the Myers Briggs analysis or learning about the six main personality types can be a gateway to understanding your current habitual ways of behaving and relating.

Similarly the Big Five personality test can give us some clues. It can help us see ourselves more clearly, and anything that holds up a mirror can be a great tool — when interpreted with moderation and without swallowing the results whole.

For we are complex creatures. Influenced by our genes and our biology yes, but — crucially — made up of all the ways of behaving, thinking and feeling that we learnt from all the things we’ve witnessed, heard and felt throughout our entire experience to date.

Learnt Patterns

Our unique experiences mean there are thousands of ingrained and unconscious habits that we live by every day. We learnt them as children as a way of getting by and being accepted in the world. Some are helpful (saying please) and some aren’t (sulking). As social beings, protecting ourselves from exclusion is crucial, and we learnt early on the best ways to ensure that we were accepted by our families.

The behaviours that go back the furthest are the deepest. Many behaviours we learnt from our parents — from the ways they thought, acted or felt — which in turn they inherited from their parents… and so on. It’s an intricate and powerful cycle but one that, if we are aware of it, can be changed.

The make-up of our minds

Our minds are made up of a rich medley of all our learnings.

They all interact to create our current personality — and current is the right word. For we are different in different situations and over time. We evolve as we get older, and we learn to manage ourselves differently (or we can do).

As humans we are more fluid than we might think.

The brain is plastic.

That said, empirical observation and research has shown that there tends to be a pattern in how our personality is expressed – decades of modern psychotherapy has found a useful metaphor to explain the different elements of us — a “parent” part, a “child” part and the adult part.

The Parent in us

The parent part of us is the part that we copied from our parents. The thoughts, feelings and behaviours we absorbed whole from them.

It’s the “Good boys don’t cry” part, the “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again” part. It’s the ‘Isn’t he like his father” part. Thoughts that harbour stereotypes, fixed attitudes, prejudice, mottos and morals. Behaviours that are surface mannerisms, or whole ways of relating.

It’s also the emotions that we witnessed in our parents and internalised as our own.

The Child in us

The child in us thinks, feels and behaves in the ways we did as a child. We created these for ourselves, rather than copied them from others.

It is the place of fantasy and fairy tale and of demons and monsters. It’s the part that makes us retreat or attack when we’re scared. That is triggered in stress and extreme situations. It is also the part that holds creativity and play.

Our “Parent” part and our “Child” part are both positive and negative. But if we never examine or question these various aspects of our behaviour, they can hold us hostage and limit us in developing to fulfil our potential.

The Adult in Us

The adult part of us is the true grown-up. Our mature aware mind living in the here and now, free of the heavy influence of the past, taking responsibility for our actions and emotions, and exercising our reason in response to the current reality we are experiencing.

It’s the part of us that reasons with those parental “truths” and says in reply “I’m a man and I’m sad and I feel like crying” or “If at first I don’t succeed, I’m going to try something else”.

All three of these aspects of our selves sit within us, probably for life. So it’s helpful to recognise when each is at play. That can be hard work. But it’s worth it. For then we can start to observe ourselves and recognise when and how these different aspects of our self is at the forefront. It gives us more options – and perhaps we can begin to interact in a way that is more authentic – and more free.

And perhaps not worry so much about what those tests say.

More from Self Help Tools

The Circle Line is launching soon! Sign up now and we'll be in touch when we're fully working