Getting Attached
We all get attached to others in different ways.
Learn your style to help you find the kind of closeness that suits you.
Do you get tend to become clingy or jealous in relationships? Or do you always seem to put in more effort than your partner? Maybe you like someone, but as soon as things get emotionally intimate, you back off?
Have you noticed repeating patterns in your relationships? Or wonder why you end up in the same sort of situation or with the same type of person?
It’s very likely to do with something called our “attachment style” and it comes in different flavours…
Attachment is fundamental to survival. It can be described as the “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”, an “affectional bond” or an “emotional bond.”
We learnt how to attach and what to expect from others in our infancy – and we carry this approach with us throughout our adult life.
There are four different types of attachment pattern characterised by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. …
People who have developed this type of attachment tend to be self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect with. They are aware of and able to express their feelings and build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships.
A longing for love and belonging, and a strong fear of rejection or abandonment. Jealousy and clinginess in relationships are common indicators of this attachment style.
Although appearing confident and self-sufficient, they may feel uncomfortable with emotional or physical intimacy and might find it hard to build deep, open and meaningful relationships. This style is often seen as an independent ‘lone wolf’.
Often experiencing confused emotions and behaviours, this style incorporates both the anxious and the avoidant styles. Seeking closeness, but at the same time, rejecting it and distance themselves. On the one hand, they want to belong, to love and be loved. On the other, they're afraid to let anyone in. They have a fear that the people closest to them will hurt them.
Our attachment style develops early in life and is generally stable over time. It’s largely formed in childhood, based on our experience of the emotional attunement provided by our parents.
Research in this area indicates that patterns established in childhood have an important impact on later relationships.
These styles are deeply ingrained – yet changeable. We can all develop secure attachment.
Those of us with insecure attachment styles may have to put some intentional effort into resolving our attachment fears if we are aiming to be able to more securely and more closely attach to those we love.
Famous psychotherapist and researcher John Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:
As humans we need other people. Infants are totally dependent on their carers. Bowlby and many other psychology researchers have recognised that attachment has an evolutionary advantage; it helps us survive.
“The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals [is] a basic component of human nature.” – Bowlby
We can identify our attachment style through an established series of questions revealing our patterns in close relationships.
Click here to explore yours.
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Our attachment style endures – and yet it is changeable. It helps in relationships to be aware of our attachment style and that of our partner(s) to see areas that align and those that may cause difficulty.
Attachment style is by definition relational. So we need to work with another person in order to change it. If you’d like to explore or change your attachment style speak with one of our therapists today.
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