The Beginning
A spark? Love at first sight? A deepening friendship?
Let's explore the very start of romantic relationships.
How do relationships start? Friendship? Chemistry? What does it mean to fall in love? Is it a fluttering heart, a buzz that goes through us when they’re around, or falling into a pile of nerves? Or is it a slower more gradual realisation?
It all has to start somewhere.
And many of us hope for a spark. Chemistry. We meet someone we enjoy talking to, who we can have a good conversation with, someone we like and warm to – and whether at first or later, someone we want to touch, kiss, go to bed with… Of course.
When we make this kind of connection with someone it can feel ideal, perfect, like we have truly met our match.
As Elvis Costello sang:
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
But, let’s pause for a moment amidst the heroin-like chemicals that are stirred up and consider…
We tend to gravitate towards “people like us”. So when we feel a strong reaction to someone – positive or negative – it’s often because there’s something about them that is “like us”, or like someone who has been significant to us.
There is always something valuable to be learnt when we meet someone we feel inexplicably drawn to. Each time we have a big positive reaction to someone, in some sense we always meet our match – either our mirror image or our opposite.
However, instant attraction is a resonance different to long-term love. Can you both sustain it? If not, why not?
In the heights of a new connection, it’s easy to forget our heads. So it’s well worth the self-control to take the time to see how things play out.
We use the phrase “falling in love” – yet real love involves getting to know all parts of someone and treating them, and making sure they treat you, in a consistently positive way over time. See our article on ‘Learning to love‘ for more on this.
How much do you know about the person you’re falling for? Hobbies and interests are irrelevant. What’s important is character. Not personality – but the fundamental characteristics you both demonstrate that will run right through your relationship.
Considering these characteristics will help you discover how capable your relationship is of sustaining love without fear ruining it.
Ask as many questions as possible and take all the time you need to find out about their (and your):
Forget how much money they make or how many followers they have on Insta – considering the above is the one occasion where some box-ticking is no bad thing.
As you go through each of these with that potentially special person in mind, remember to also ask yourself the same questions. For we must never forget to ask of ourselves what we ask of others. This way we find out if we too are ready for real intimacy. Building a relationship will be a hell of a lot easier when you’re both ready for it. And if we desperately want someone who isn’t ready, chances are we aren’t ready either.
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Once we have established these basic building blocks, we’re ok to go ahead – knowing we’ve explored the evidence and that things are basically ok.
It may take time, it may take some “failed” relationships, dead-ends or heartbreaks along the way. But once we find the above… then the real magic begins.
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