How do relationships start? Friendship? Chemistry? What does it mean to fall in love? The fluttering heart. The buzz all through us. Falling into a pile of nerves when they’re around.

Mind, Body, Soul

It all has to start somewhere. And many of us hope for a spark. Chemistry. We meet someone we enjoy talking to, who we can have a good conversation with, who challenges us enough. A person who also shows affection, tenderness, the ability to care; someone we like as a person, someone we warm to. And yes, someone we want to touch, kiss, go to bed with… Of course. The connection of mind, body and soul is magic when we experience it – a powerful force like no other.

As Elvis Costello sang:

She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream

When we make this kind of connection with someone it can feel like a mirror to our deepest depths, like we have truly met our match.

But, let’s pause for a moment, amidst the heroin-like chemicals that are stirred up and consider…

Are you asking enough questions?

In the heady heights of a new connection, it’s easy to forget our heads. But it’s well worth the self-control to check in and stop to think how much we really know about this person.

We use the word falling in ‘love’ – yet real love involves getting to know someone and treating them, and making sure they treat us, in a positive way on every level. See our article on ‘Learning to love’ for more on this. For this is what we hope to aspire to.

The 6 signs of Good Character

What do you really know about the person you are falling for? Hobbies and interests are irrelevant. What’s important is character. Not personality – but the fundamental building blocks of who they are that will run right through your relationship. Considering these 6 characteristics will help you discover how capable your potential partner is of loving.

Ask as many questions as possible to find out about their:

1. Commitment to personal growth: This is listed first for a reason – because with this genuine commitment the other 5 character traits will follow. Does your partner learn about themselves? Do they try to understand themselves? Have they considered their own conditioning and the baggage they carry in life and into your relationship? Are they willing to read, reflect, talk, having therapy? If you both have this commitment, you’ll both be willing to acknowledge and work on the relationship, understand each other and yourselves, and talk through the issues. Without it, you’ll just hit one wall after another.
2. Integrity: Honesty and trustworthiness are essential. How will you ever know where you stand, what’s going on and be able to relax if your partner cannot be honest and act with integrity? Lying, secrets and evasiveness kill love surely and steadily. Firstly, are they honest with themselves? Then, are they honest with others? And are they open and honest with you?
3. Emotional openness: Your partner has feelings, knows what they are feeling, shares those feelings and knows how to express them. Receiving only a tiny sliver of someone’s heart is not much fun.
4. Maturity and responsibility: Does this person do what they say they are going to do? Are they able to be accountable for themselves and their choices in life? Are they respectful? And the practical signs: do they earn enough to support themselves? Do they know how to look after themselves – their health, their home, their belongings? If not, you’ll be dating a child in an adult’s body.
5. Self-esteem: We all have insecurities. It’s part of being human. We don’t need to be brimming with self-love and confidence to fall in love – however, people tend to love others only as much as they love themselves, and to hurt others as much as they themselves are hurting. Do they take care of themselves? How do they allow others to treat them? What action do they take in life? Do they take pride in themselves – ask yourself, are you proud of who they are?
6. Positive attitude toward life: Do they turn obstacles and adversity into lessons? Focus on solutions, not problems? Trust that things can get better, that they can change things? Use their vision to change their reality? They will bring this attitude into their relationships; positive people create positive relationships. Love is a positive force; it will wither in negativity.

Forget their job, wealth, the colour of their hair – considering the above is the one occasion where some box-ticking is no bad thing.

As you go through each of these with that potentially very special person in mind, remember to also ask yourself the same questions. For we must never forget to see and develop in ourselves what we ask for in others, to require of ourselves what we require of others. This way we find out if we too are ready for real intimacy, to fall into love ourselves.

Once we have established these basic building blocks, we’re safer to go ahead – knowing we’ve explored the facts and flaws first and that things are basically ok. It make take a while, it may take several “failed” relationships, dead-ends or heartbreaks along the way. But once we find the above, then… then feel the chemistry, go with the flow, and enjoy the magic…