Sometimes life throws a lot at us. Work, ageing parents, demanding friends. We all want more time; but what happens when we’re not around for our children?

Absence – whether or emotional or physical – has an impact on all our relationships. Paying attention and spending time with someone is the greatest respect and love we can show someone. How do we know we’re paying enough attention?

A child’s experience of “attaching” to their parents, as babies particularly their mother, forms a powerful blueprint for their future relationships and confidence. The way we experienced our own parents attaching to and caring for us affects the way we raise our own children – So it’s worth digging into.

A degree of “neglect” is common and may have become such a normal part of our own childhood, and perhaps our current relationships, that we don’t notice when we don’t notice our kids.

1. Lack of looking

When we’re so busy “doing” other things it can be easy not to notice when we don’t do the simplest thing a child needs – look at them.

• Are you mirroring your child – that is, are you seeing their emotions in their face and reflecting them back to them?
• How often and how attentively do you show that you see them in all their glory?
• Do you notice and allow all of their emotions?
• Do you engage with their play, noticing and responding to what they do?
• Does your child watch a lot of TV?
• Do you see their uniqueness when they show you?

It’s easy to miss the details – when they do something new perhaps, or when they look sad – but the details matter.

Children need to be seen. This is not spoiling them. It is a basic human need and a sign of connection.

2. Lack of listening

When a child makes themselves known we may literally fail to hear them – we may give zero response, or as they learn more language we think we are listening but their words or meaning don’t seem to sink in.

In this way we inadvertently dismiss them – and you might see some of the following occurring:

• Do you find your child keeps repeating themselves?
• Do they shout a lot or talk “excessively”?
• When your child talks do you often interrupt? Do you end up in verbal tussles, or feel you need to tell them to “be quiet”?

Of course, we all fail to listen sometimes. We’re only human. It’s a question of degree and frequency.

Children need to be heard. Humans are unique in their ability to use complex language – and children are still learning. They need to practice and they have a right to use their voice and for it to be heard.

3. Lack of touching

Holding and stroking is necessary for babies to survive.

Together with other forms of recognition – your eyes, words and facial expressions – touch is one of the most powerful connections your child can experience.

How do you show them affection and make them feel safe?

• How often do you hug them?
• Do you reach out and offer them your hand to hold?
• Do you let them sit on your lap?
• Do you stroke their head when they need reassurance?

How often?

4. Lack of freedom

Children need choice – that is they need to be allowed to do what they want to do in the way they want to do it – whilst you pay attention and show approval. When we’re busy it can be easy to want to take charge, “get things done” and get them done quickly.

But children need a say too. If you don’t allow them freedom of choice, appropriate to their age, they may struggle to make autonomous decisions as they mature. The blueprint is set in childhood (and undone as adults in therapy…).

• When you show them how to do something – that’s fine but are they also allowed to try things for themselves?
• Without being corrected? When you correct them, you disapprove of their way of doing it.
• Of course they cannot always get their way, but is their “way” acknowledged?
• And allowed some of the time?
• How often do you tell your child what to do?

Does it matter if a child isn’t doing something “right”? Is it dangerous? If not… can you let them be free this time? Can you let them decide?

Letting them be them in their own unique way is a great gift to a child. To do anything else implies they’re not good enough.

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Spotting the small everyday absences can be tricky – but it’s important. These little behaviours may seem invisible but to a little person they are huge. We’re here to help.

Working with a professional to identify and work through your attachment style and patterns is extremely useful as a parent. If you are interested – speak with one of our therapists today.

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